Former Liverpool defender Steven Caulker has publicly confessed that his spell at Anfield was cut short when he entered rehab after grappling with addiction.
Caulker joined the Reds on loan from Queens Park Rangers in January 2016 but only made four appearances for Jurgen Klopp’s men.
In an emotional interview with The Guardian, Caulker revealed his battle with depression and admitted that he was on the verge of suicide.
“I’ve sat here for years hating myself and never understood why I couldn’t just be like everyone else,” the 25-year old said.
“This year was almost the end. I felt for large periods there was no light at the end of the tunnel.”
Reflecting on his time at Liverpool, Calker recounted a number of drunk and disorderly offences which compelled him to ultimately enter rehab.
“Sometimes I’d be sat there with the police and my lawyer, watching the CCTV footage of what I’d done, and I didn’t recognise myself,” he explained.
“I couldn’t believe the person I was. It’s so hard to accept I could be like that.
“In Liverpool, I was waking up in the middle of the night throwing up, people were blackmailing me, club owners and bouncers: ‘Pay money or we’ll sell this story on you.’
“And I had no idea what I’d even done on those blackouts. I eventually told the club I could not function and needed to go back into rehab.”
Caulker has urged footballers suffering from depression or addiction to seek help from the PFA and put their health first.
“I would urge lads to speak to the PFA, to speak to their manager, and not be scared about being dropped if they are feeling like I did.
“Be brave enough to say you need help before it’s too late. The anxiety, I’d always needed something to take the edge off.
“Football was my escape as a kid but that changed when I was chucked into the first team as a teenager and suddenly football came with pressure.
“My way of dealing with it, even in the early stages of my career, was gambling. I’m an addict. I’m addicted to winning, which people say is a positive in football but certainly not when it extends to gambling.”
Caulker is now determined to show what he is “truly capable of” as he enters the final year of his contract with QPR.
