“FC Basel,” the orator announced.
Somewhere in Ostrava, Milan Baros twitched with anticipation as he remembered the games against Basel in the early part of the millennia. Two draws, both times Liverpool failing to see out the victory and assure maximum points.
Away matches in Basel had proven to be the Achilles heel for every English club in the last decade and Liverpool were only now just returning to the Champions League for the first time since a team with Alberto Aquilani seemed an appealing choice. Alas, the room was filled with excitement as the air grew thick with predictions and inane demands of a diamond formation.
All around the world, Reds dreamt of a fixture against Ludogorets at Anfield, which would ultimately turn into an unnecessarily difficult three points via a Steven Gerrard penalty.
Flash forward to the current day and Brendan’s Tricky Reds™ are here to Make Us Dream™ again. Unfortunately, they have been on the short side of luck in the past few weeks and are looking to change things around.
With Daniel Sturridge still struggling to get fit and Mario Balotelli yet to prove his ability, the thought of travelling to Basel to play a group stage match is near sickness inducing. It has only been a mere 48-hours since Phil “The Boot” Jagielka sent all of the Red half of Merseyside into a collective memory spin cycle with one swing of his right foot and now we face the prospect of an away match against a team that has trained the likes of Mohammad Salah.
It is only a matter of time before another FC Basel player leaves for Liverpool and doesn’t ever arrive there, so here’s a rundown of who I think are the best “imaginary targets that will never happen, because, like”:
Taulant Xhaka
His name is about as close to “talent” as you can get without going full David Walliams and he is the perfect age for a Brendan Rodgers salsa dance into Premier League success. Hailing from the burgeoning Albanian talent pool, Young Xhaka™ will likely be sending some WhatsApp messages to his good friend Xherdan Shaqiri, who will, in turn, respond with “:) YNWA”, causing schadenfreude amongst Liverpool fans when he ultimately signs for Manchester City.
Arlind Ajeti
This Swiss born, surprisingly short, centre half, is the cherry on top of any defensive signings we will, inevitably, not make in January. Just 21 years-old, Ajeti has a younger brother named Adonis, and if you don’t like him yet, you will learn to during his first LFCTV interview after he signs and is loaned back to Basel.
Derlis Gonzalez
Gonzalez, AKA the Paraguayan Messi, is a 20-year old wonder kid whose skills will be uploaded to YouTube for all to see in the next few months. Out of the woodwork, strangely eccentric Swiss Super League viewers will come to share their opinions on Twitter and pandemonium will ensue before leaving for Dortmund to play with Mkhitaryan.
Erasmus, Roger Federer’s hair, and Nietzsche walk into a bar: it’s in Basel. All products of the “Paris of Northern Switzerland™”, they are a testament to just what the city brings to the world of sport and intellect. More importantly, when Liverpool plays on Tuesday, it will be their third match against the colossus that is FC Basel, one which will hopefully end in a win. One thing we can look forward to, however, is the return of European away days for those brave souls who make the trek.
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