After last year, Liverpool needed a great start to the season.
Come on football Gods, look down on us favourably, shine on us brightly and allow us the luxury of a nice, little Newcastle away (we already knew we wouldn’t be playing at home because of the stadium expansion scenario).
The day of fixture-reckoning arrived and what happened? We got absolutely shat on.
Someone decided they would have a laugh and put us up against Stoke City first. The scene of the worst day of my life, when we were humbled by a massive 6-1 battering on the final day of last season. I have seen loved ones and heroes die and I’ve been less devastated than the day we got beat by the mighty Stoke City. The sixth goal went in and I was praying to feel the way I felt when I went through a traumatic break-up with my ex-girlfriend, as that felt less horrific than the way Emre Can at right-back made me feel on May 24, 2015.
Just as I get over it, we face them again. So, are we in a better place to face them this time? Are we in a better position at the beginning of this year than the end of last?
Basically, yes.
For starters, we have a better squad, by far. We’ve got some actual strikers and competition for places in most areas of the field. If you set your mind back to last year, these are things that just weren’t the case.
We had the lovely Rickie Lambert just kind of hanging around looking like he’d turned up to either a) play for Stoke or b) construct a complicated Ikea wardrobe for you, cash in hand.
We had that little berk Sterling doing that thing your shithouse mate does, telling everyone he dislikes someone (Rodgers) but then telling said person he’s actually always really liked him, and we had Emre Can at right-back.
Sweet Emre, turned inside out by John Walters. What a time to be alive.
After judgement day, we have a home game against newly promoted Bournemouth in a match that could end up being that game at the beginning of a season that kickstarts a shit team’s astonishing rise up the table, before they turn crap again at Christmas and get relegated because all their players used to be brickies or work in banks, or something. You know, because that’s what happened to Blackpool and Burnley them times, right?
If you’re worried about the two games above, then it’s probably best to get into rugby or wrestling, or one of them other made up sports, because next up, either side of West Ham at home, we have Arsenal and Manchester United away.
Considering our away support is well better than our home, this fact may not be all that bad. I personally would much rather take on an Arsenal side early on, as by Christmas they’re usually starting to become free-flowing and well better than anyone else, before falling down to their home-away-from-home in fourth-place around March.
And as for Manchester United? They’ve only got one forward right now and are looking like they might end up with their very own deadline day Balotelli, so for the minute let’s not get too stressed about them. And if you do get worried, just google one of them Phil Jones memes where he’s pulling that dead ugly face, which should make you feel generally much better about your life.
Following these couple of games, we have Norwich and Villa at home, games that we should win, but with our record against Villa being a little average of late, we need to be a bit mindful of the Sherwood. Plus, by this time in the season, the temperature is getting a little cooler, so he’ll be back wearing his source of tactical knowledge, the legendary gilet. So anything could happen.
But let’s be dreamers and presume Benteke will fire us to a win against his former team. Six points out of six, here.
Now, the next six games of the Premier League season are worse than I ever imagined could happen. Who put these together? Something makes me feel like someone down at the fixture office doesn’t like us very much. This could be the same fella who drew us against Stoke first up (possibly a still-disgruntled Southampton fan) and if it is, we need to find him and give him a big wad of that Sterling cash to disappear, because he’s starting to ruin my life.
Just in case you can’t remember what the next fixtures are, they go like this: Everton, Spurs, Southampton, Chelsea, Palace and City.
You would be forgiven for thinking this was a sick joke, but this is in fact the reality of our season up until November 21. A load of tough teams, with our bogey team who’re improving and making brilliant signings this summer in there for equal measure.
Everton have decided that instead of improve their squad, they’re just going to see how average they can get before the bronco bucks and they slide even further down the table, but it is a derby game, so we can’t presume we’ll get any kind of result. Especially when Phil Jagielka’s right foot is hanging around.
The likes of Spurs and Southampton we should actually have a chance to beat, with both teams being our direct rivals for fourth-place, along with the other four teams who look immovable.
The Chelsea game is one that I don’t expect to win. I expect us to do the usual thing v Chelsea and play really, really well, look like we could nick a goal or two and then end up losing 2-0 and still get upset because we were so close yet so far.
I don’t even want to talk about Palace, I’m still fuming with them for having the audacity to draw the game with us during the 2013-14 season when it looked like we would win the title. Next.
City are a funny team. We’re well capable of beating them, and with the added spice of Raheem now wearing their colours, I hope to see a ‘Danny Agger on Fernando Torres’ style body slam during the opening minutes, coupled with a really spirited display. Our fans will probably be really up for this game, as will James Milner, City’s former midfield tank, so I don’t see this as a game that is an automatic loss in the fixture scrapbook.
The opening fixtures are all really tough, granted, but with the right amount of tactical thinking from Rodgers, we could genuinely navigate enough points to keep us in the hunt come Christmas time. Just as there’s no saying we will do well, there’s no saying that any other teams won’t have a bit of a fall from grace as well. Football is an unpredictable game at the best of times, so who knows. And anyway, whatever happens let’s all just get on the ale, because it can’t be as bad as last year, and that is one thing worth celebrating.
